For a matter of months now, I feel like I’ve been stumbling around in the dark. I’ve been feeling restless and afraid. At the same time I’ve also been feeling courageous and confirmed. It’s been a lot for this girl’s head and heart. I’ve decided I need to share the real process I’m going through in order to bring others along in my journey. After all, our journeys are evolving every single day. I’m never going to have it all together. If I can’t be real on my own blog, then where can I be real, practice and create?
This is my beautiful, messy journey.
Diving into writing more seriously has stirred up a lot for me. So much so that I’ve found myself in my therapist’s office again. And let me tell you, I’m so grateful. My therapist is the one person in the world who has made me truly believe in the healing process. She doesn’t send me deeper in to my past just to dig stuff up and pocket my money. Far from it. She is a gift and a very real helper. She helps me experience the next level of wholeness and health I just can’t seem to get to on my own. She helps me find my courage to bloom. I used to view therapy as something for those who have “serious problems”. But I see it now as one of the wisest things I can choose for myself. I share this because it’s the real process of healing that is taking place. Sometimes we need a few people around us, whom we can trust, to help us lift our burdens and place them in the hands of Jesus.
My past has a lot of pain in it. And even though I’ve dealt with much of my past, some of it has remained powerful over me. Sharing my heart through writing and trying to comprehend the vision God is putting on my heart is shining the spot light on areas that need attention and healing. And even though I know this involves getting messy and possibly feeling even more temporal pain, I’m ready to face it head on because I want what’s next. I know in my heart what’s next is so very good.
The most difficult realization recently is that I’ve spent years making myself small around others. Growing up, I never wanted to create waves or be rejected so I just went about making myself so very small and quiet. I’ve withheld my thoughts, feelings and opinions from others so much so that I’ve esentially lost touch with my voice. That voice inside who isn’t ashamed to be me, or stand out or be strong. This is the layer of healing I’m entering into. And I’ve been feeling terrified… How does one go about finding her voice? What will it sound like? Will it be unassuming and plain? Or more terrifying still, will it be bold and brave and beautiful? I’ve felt afraid and yet, I want to confidently step into the fullness of who God has made me to be and own it and use it for His glory.
God has stirred me up enough for me to know there IS a voice inside of me that is begging to be set free. It’s been pressing on me so hard for sometime now. Being small and silent isn’t working anymore. I read recently of a gal who allowed herself to be put on her list of “needy people”. I love this idea. There are seasons for extending ourselves to others and there are seasons of necessary self-care. Fully leaning into this season of healing and freedom from my past is my way of allowing myself to be on my list of needy people.
So in this season, I am relying on my early morning runs and talks with God to bring me strength and truth. But I also believe much of my healing will come through writing. I’m convinced of this because I have never felt such press back, such resistance to pursuing any one activity in my entire life. I see writing as a direct pathway to finding my voice again. I was recently reminded of Steven Pressfield’s words,
THE MORE IMPORTANT AN ACTIVITY IS TO YOUR SOUL’S EVOLUTION THE MORE RESISTANCE YOU WILL FEEL TO IT.
The process and writing will be messy and difficult at times, I’m sure. But the freedom and healing to follow will be beautiful and good, so good. And mix in this season will be moments of painful stretching, deep breathes and uncovering unknown strengths.
And let me just add here (because people always tend to worry) that God has graciously given me a husband who I can most be myself with. From the day I met him he has been a harbor to me and he is championing this process. I am so thankful to have my best friend WITH me on this journey.