This past February, I was in a pretty low place. I felt depressed, washed up and frail. You could probably attribute any one of these things to the fact our youngest child of three was only four months old and over the previous ten months we had already lived in four different homes. But despite the external circumstances, I knew deep in my soul there was more unrest within than I wanted to acknowledge.
Then one glorious morning I actually got to take a shower… by myself. A miracle I tell you. And in my desperate sate of mind, I prayed a very desperate kind of prayer.
I prayed and asked God to just
give me some sort of direction with all my turmoil within.
The turmoil caused by knowing I wasn’t OK any longer living in my deep insecurities and believing I’m not good enough. I was no longer satisfied with a false projection of myself. I wanted to be living in the fullness of who I knew God made me to be. I wanted to be used by Him and I wanted to write. But altogether, I had no idea how to work through all of it.
In that moment, a small still voice said,
“You need to go on a radical journey of self-love.”
And in the very same moment I experienced the Holy Spirit “chill factor” as I’ve come to call it. Whenever I encounter the Holy Spirit, I am one who gets literal chills all over my body, the kind that make the hairs on your arms stand straight up. I had no clue what this phrase meant, but I wrote down my “shower moment”, because I knew how easily I can start doubting what I experienced.
For the next several months, I had many moments of thinking on this encounter. Followed by feeling confounded by it. I struggled with the language of the phrase as I thought it sounded too self-focused. At the same time, I knew I was in the habit of being the ultimate enemy to myself. My negative self-talk was at a suffocating high and I was fully believing the lie I’m not good enough. I knew staying trapped in all of this could leave me exempt from the fullness of what God has for me.
But the moment had been so clear, so I just held it close to my heart.
Fast forward six months from the shower moment. And the fog is slowly beginning to lift.
Revelation usually begins by God’s revealing us to ourselves. Only then does God reveal the Divine self to us. – David G. Benner
In my current season, God is revealing myself to me. It has been unbelievably painful… I’ve wanted to quit so many times. The darkness of depression has felt just a mere breath away from consuming me. But it’s also been one of the TRUEST seasons of my life. Because God is revealing to me how deep His love is for me and how He wants to redeem my suffering. As I have been staring my pains and my fears square in the face and as I continue to sit with them, I am seeing anew.
I see where I began believing the lie I’m not good enough. I see how I came to silence myself into believing my voice wasn’t one worth sharing. I see I have a deep rooted fear of what others think of me. I see how I have been cruel to myself and really not allowed my FULL self to be released. And I am seeing God’s response to me.
Genuine self-knowledge begins by looking at God and noticing how God is looking at us. – David G. Benner
It crushes His heart to see me spewing fire on myself day after day. He does not want me to see myself as a failure, as a shortcoming or, even, as a voice who is insignificant.
I am His precious masterpiece, His child, His tender love and I am enough because He says I am. He doesn’t look at my struggle as absurd, groundless or irrelevant but understands, with compassion, what it feels like to be wounded. And He promises to bring real healing.
Tender tears fill my eyes because these truths are breath to me today. I sense it deep in my being. His healing hand is at work.
This revelation brings me the encouragement to continue trusting the One who does not lead us astray. I can look back at my “shower moment” and see it for the catalyst it was meant to be.
This journey is not a selfish one.
It’s a vital and powerful one.
Because I know this journey isn’t actually about me. It’s about God’s story of redemption and His desire to give us LIFE.