We have successfully moved into our new home and are starting to settle in. And let me just tell you: moving with three kids is no joke. Especially when your youngest child decides to start full-on walking at eleven months while you’re neck-high in boxes during the packing up process!
As a family, we have had a lot on our plate this past month. Nearly every area of our life is experiencing transition. The moving process has graciously (or not so graciously) exposed tender areas in my life that need some loving attention. Like how I treat myself when I’m whirling and swirling. Or how I remember where God is through the rough patches of life.
Over the past few weeks I have felt bone-tired, overwhelmed, sad, exhausted, anxious, frustrated, tired, forgetful, hopeful, weary, squeezed, not enough… Did I happen to mention I’ve been feeling really, really tired?
History has taught me to notice that I am disintegrating as a wife, mom, friend, woman when I feel so squeezed that I can’t breathe and all I want to do is to go to sleep for a thousand years (add magician hands for emphasis). My soul looked and felt like an absolute battle ground over this past month. And although I did not want to take a hiatus from blog writing, it was necessary for the survival of our entire family.
Two things swept in and saved me in my weakest moments this month.
I had the privilege of hearing Leeana Tankersley speak on her latest book, Breathing Room. (If you haven’t read it yet, you need to. Go get it on Amazon now). Her workshop came at literally my darkest hour over the past month. I felt as though I was going to lose my ever-lovin’ mind! Boxes and chaos everywhere, kid school projects galore, minimal sleep, zero alone time, a husband working to start a company, an eleven month old trying not to kill herself as she learns to walk, family in town… and don’t forget that FOUR out of five of us in our little family celebrated birthdays this month!!
As I sat listening to Leeana speak words I swear were straight out of my own heart, she reminded me of a very simple truth I seem to have amnesia about FAR too regularly. She reminded me that in this life very little is within our control. The one thing I can control is how I treat myself. Am I treating myself as an enemy or as I would a very dear and tender friend? The night before the workshop, I confessed my very fragile state to my husband. I told him how I feel like I’m just failing in every single arena of my life. How I feel like everyone – anyone in fact – would be doing my job, all the transition, so much more beautifully than I. Exhaustion had taken it’s toll and the negative self-talk was deafening. Leeana’s words helped me take the knife away from my own throat and offer myself a dose of grace rather than lethal threats.
On the very same weekend I thought I just might lose my mind, I was saved through simply understanding something anew. I learned how God’s name El Roi means “The God Who Sees Us”. I had heard of this name before, but somehow in my dire need, it took on new meaning for me.
He sees me.
He REALLY sees me…
He sees my exhaustion and my self-criticism. He sees my come apart moments and my hold-it-together attempts. He sees how weary my heart is, and how it longs to fully show up to life whole-heartedly. He sees my fear (that creeps in far too often) that I’m not enough as a woman, wife, mother, friend. My circumstances, my needs, my frailness are not a mystery to Him.
He is the God who sees me.
And this reminder has been nothing but comfort to me in this month of whirling and swirling. He sees every intricate detail of my reality. And because He sees it all, He is able to work on my behalf. He fills in my gaps and and bridges my shortcomings, all because He loves me.
It is so good to be saved by beautiful Truth and unending Grace. As I crawl out of the ruble and mess we sometimes call Life… I do so confidently standing to my feet. I am strengthend by the vulnerability of others and and the simple reminder I matter and I am loved by the God who sees me.