My New Year rang in a little differently than I pictured. I pictured plowing into new routines, conquering to-do lists and strict self-discipline. Instead, I found myself bowing to the porcelain throne, dousing essential oils on my body and chugging Gatorade. As a mother of three, I found myself COMPLETELY reliant on my husband and sister to carryout my role and responsibilities of kissing boo-boos, packing lunches, monitoring homework and bath time and taking care of meal preparations. Once my health returned, I admitted to my family just how humbling it is was to be fully RELIANT on them.
While I laid in bed, I had lots of time to sleep and think. I reflected on how over the past couple of years, I sort of blindly stumbled into choosing a “word” to be my anthem for the year. Over the course of each of those years, my anthem word proved to be a saving grace straight from God.
A few years back, the word HOPE took on new meaning to me as we very intentionally decided to sell our home and venture into the life of unknowns, discomfort and risks. It is a gross understatement to say our new life of much less stability was a challenge for this girl who loves a plan, who loves consistency and plenty of forewarning to any changes that might arise. And so I desperately clung to HOPE with each move, no family near by, very few friends and the addition of our sweet third child. And do you know what her middle name is? That’s right, HOPE.
Last year the word PRESENT proved to constantly bring me back to center when I entered into a new layer of healing broken bits of my heart and my story. God’s invitation to take me through the refining fire was unexpected, so incredibly painful and yet, beyond welcomed. But as a mom to three little kids, I can’t tell you how many days I was tempted to show up to my day as a ghost. Some days I felt so utterly overwhelmed by emotion or the simple task of processing complex topics that the only way through my day seemed to be by disengagement. On those days God was so good to just whisper, “Be PRESENT… don’t be anything else… just be PRESENT” and somehow He would give me just enough to show up.
In December, I began asking God what 2015’s word would be for me. It didn’t come right away… A few days after Christmas, I got up early to meet a dear friend for coffee. I had about an hour long drive to meet her. During that drive I asked God again if He would make an anthem word clear to me. Sure enough, during our conversation over coffee, my sweet friend said the word “reliance” and it just rang out so loudly and true in my soul. I knew it was my word for 2015.
Here’s the definition I read:
Reliance: Confident or trustful dependence
Synonyms: assurance, belief, credence, credit, dependence, faith, hope, interdependence, stock, trust.
Antonyms: disbelief, independence.
“A person’s or thing’s reliance on something is the fact that they need it and often cannot live or work without it.”
I believe the word “reliance” rang out in my soul because I need God now more than ever. I am desperately aware of it. I need His strength, energy, healing, peace, love and joy to pour into me and overflow. Without Him I have nothing.
And I want to show up to my life with my WHOLE heart this year.
But as I spent time thinking further on this word “reliance”, I couldn’t formulate anything worth writing down. My thoughts felt foggy around the whole purpose this word might have in my life this year. So I sat on my bed, frustrated and at a loss, my head bowed into my hands.
I asked the Holy Spirit to come and speak to me,
“What do you have for me here God?”
“I want your soul to be reliant on me… your identity to be reliant on me… to be confident in me. I want the facades to be stripped away. I want to take away your crutches and show you that I’ve made you whole. When you are solely reliant on me, I will take you places you never imagined, I can heal places you never let me in, I can make possible what you deemed dead. You think of reliance as weak and lacking, but as you rely on me, I will show you how I make you strong, light and burden-free. Everything is at your fingertips when you find your soul’s lifeline in Me.”
Oh, how He wants me to get this this year. Oh, how I believe He wants all of us to get this this year. He is so very FOR us in our life’s journey. He wants nothing more than for us to put our soul’s reliance on Him.
So this is how I’m entering the New Year. 2015.
I’m taking an open-palm stance of total and complete dependence on Him. I’m releasing my need to look or be perfect, to be right or to maintain a certain social status. I’m letting go of the social contract I’ve been tied to, of being someone who falls apart or is a “train wreck”. I’m letting go of numbing and isolating. I’m letting go of staying busy and having to prove I am enough.
Come Jesus, come. You are welcome in my life, my day, my hurt, my joy. I place my soul’s reliance in Your hands. I’m ready for more of You. I’m ready for Your healing, Your possibilities, Your ABUNDANCE.
I want to wake up every morning with these verses ringing in my ears:
“We’re depending on God; He’s everything we need. What’s more, our hearts brim with joy since we’ve taken for our own his holy name. Love us, God, with all you’ve got – that’s what we’re depending on.” – Psalm 33:20-22
“May God himself, the God who makes everything holy and whole, make you holy and whole, put you together – spirit, soul and body – and keep you fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ. The One who called you is completely dependable. If he said it, he’ll do it!” – 1 Thess. 5:23-24
What’s one thing in your life you can release in 2015 and, instead, practice full reliance on God?