One thing my closest family and friends know about me is that I am sensitive. All too sensitive some days. It’s a part of me that has been terribly inconvenient at times and life-saving at others. I’ve often prayed for thicker skin or the ability to truly laugh at myself. Other times I’ve simply wished my sensitivity away. When you have a sensitive spirit, many of life’s experiences can feel oh-way-too-close-to-the-heart. Things like vulnerability, risk and exposure are all challenges to say the very least. And I blame being sensitive on my complete and total inability to pretend. I’m seriously the worst pretender.
Yesterday was a low, overly-sensitive, feel-y kind of day. For the sweet life of me, I simply could not pretend for one half-second when my husband walked in the door from work. I let the attitude rip as soon as his sweet, unassuming self said hello. As you can imagine, I soon found myself crawling into my sheets much earlier than usual, praying for a redemptive perspective on my shamble of a day.
As I laid in bed, I felt overwhelmingly tired of life’s journey. I felt tired of my emotions and sensitivities. I felt tired of trying…
The soul journey is hard. Really hard. And sometimes I just want to have arrived. Can I get an Amen?
And this is where I know God wants my trying to turn into relying.
Last week, a friend reminded me of an idea I’ve known, but it has reverberated in my soul ever since.
Life is all about the journey. It is about being in process.
It is about seeking wholeness, but finding contentment while we’re holding the pieces.
It is about seeking peace, but experiencing calm while in the eye of the storm.
It is about seeking wisdom, but being a humble apprentice while we are learning.
Life is all about settling into the “now, but not yet” tension. It’s about doing our part in our journey, but also trusting God to do His.
Personally, I don’t believe we will ever “have arrived” here on earth. We will never achieve absolute perfection, gain absolute wisdom or experience absolute peace. Even though you can still find me throwing a very impressive, every-so-often tantrum about this prospective. But I do believe we can practice surrendering to the process. We can give ourselves grace along the journey. And we can always, always begin again.
Instead of wishing away a part of us that feels like weakness, let’s be reminded of how these parts of us keep us reliant on Jesus. Let’s be reminded to look for the beauty in the ashes. Perhaps our weakness is the very tool God can use to split our hearts open, break down our walls or beautify others? Maybe we could, for one moment, stop trying to burry and cover up our weakness, but instead offer it up to Jesus in our tired, dirt-covered hands? And when we do, I have to believe deep in my soul, Jesus will do something with it. He’ll turn what we perceive to be our weakness into strength… and He’ll dazzle us with it.
So this morning I find myself showing up once again, with my heart on my sleeve. Believing God will do something beautiful through my sensitive, unable to pretend self.
And I find myself saying…
Thank you God for my sensitive heart.
Thank you for my fears.
Thank you for my insecurities.
Thank you for all of my weaknesses.
I get to lay them all down at Your feet.
I get to rely on you and rest.
I get to be dazzled by what You do with them today.
What is an area of perceived weakness for you?